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Part 12 of Getting What You Really Want         
Nick Tails
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        Sunday, December 25th, 1988.  Christmas.  The air was frosty outside,
in that sort of haze that forms when it's snowing and cold.  It hung over the
land, topping everything.  Icicles were hanging from the trees and houses,
and in my neighborhood, you could see kids running around in the snow that
had already settled in the yards.
        I shut my curtain and went back over to the fireplace.  Trevor was
still talking with Aron and Justin.  I had received a postcard from Shawn
addressed to all of us.  He was still traveling, and had ended up in Germany
for the holidays.  None of us had heard from Tim since he left.  Even though
I hated the bastard for leaving me, I still hoped he had a good holiday. Then
he could rot in hell.  But please don't get the idea I don't like him. Some
people might call that a conflict of interest, but when you don't have any
interest anymore, you can't have much of a conflict, can you?
        But onto lighter things.  Trevor had helped me pick out the tree that
was now decorated in front of the window.  I had been with Trevor for almost
4 months now.  At first I was kind of worried that he had been a person I got
to know on the rebound, someone to pick up after Tim had left.  But if that
was the case he and I would have parted long before now.  It was now to the
point where a day didn't go by without us seeing each other.  I don't know if
he'd been with other men, or if he knew about myself and Aron for a while.
But I had told him about Tim.  Actually, he had told me in the restraunt that
he had been left several times, and that's what probably enrichened our
relationship, having been through the same experiences and both knowing each
other's background without having to ask or anything like that.
        I had passed around more eggnog, the "traditional" drink of
Christmas, although I don't think what I put in it was too traditional, but
that's another story entirely.  One that I particularly don't want to
discuss.  We had already opened presents.  Trevor had gotten me a couple of
CD's, Aron gave me a jacket, and I received a subscription to a hi-tech
magazine from Justin.  I had given out articles of clothing and such, and you
could pretty much tell that I let Christmas slip up on me this year, as I had
just about every year since I was 13 or so, and my parents had quit reminding
me to buy things for relatives.
        "What time is it?" Aron asked.  We all looked at our watch.  Aron
then remembered Justin had gotten him a watch for Christmas, so he located
that one.
        "5:30," he said, answering his own question.  "We better go."
        "What time does it start?" I asked.
        "6:00 I think."
        Justin spoke.  "It only takes about 15 minutes to get to downtown
from here, doesn't it?"
        "Something like that," Aron returned.  We all got up and put on our
jackets, making a point of putting on the one Aron gave me.  We all climbed
in the Blazer in my driveway that Justin owned, and headed downtown where the
annual Christmas parade was starting.
        At 6:15 the parade started.
        At 6:30 we all were pretty much shivering.
        At 6:35 we were all in the car again, watching the parade in a
distance with the heater blowing at us.
        "How cold is it, anyway?" Aron asked.
        " 'bout 10 below, something like that," I replied.  There had been a
pretty good turn out, however, so we couldn't get our car too close because
of the crowd.  It didn't matter, however.
        Aron was sitting in the driver's seat, opposite Justin who was trying
to huddle around one of the vents.  I was in the back with Trevor, and we
were both leaning forward, trying to reach the heat.  About 15 minutes later,
we all decided to head back, but we ended up touring the suburbs, looking at
Christmas lights.  You could hear some people singing Christmas songs
outside, and it was all very romantic.  I leaned back in my seat, with Trevor
leaning against me.  I watched as the snow was falling, and the gentle hum of
the engine as we moved along.  Aron and Justin kept looking out the windows,
but were glancing at each other and smiling, and you could tell that they
were feeling close.
        I was feeling soft as we pulled into my driveway once again.  Trevor
and myself got out, and went inside.  I turned around, and found that Aron
was still in the car with Justin.
        "We better go, we'll talk to you tomorrow," he called, his voice
making fog in the cold.
        "Are you sure?" I hollered back.
        "Yeah, we'll drop back by in the morning."
        Trevor and I waved as they did, pulling out of the driveway.  I
watched the Blazer travel into the white that covered.
        I returned inside, and he shut the door behind me.  I put my coat
down, looking it over.  Trevor walked up behind me, and put his hands over
me, draping himself on me.
        "I wonder how much that cost," he inquired.
        "It doesn't matter." I turned around and placed my arms around him.
"Merry Christmas"
        "Merry Christmas," he replied.  We gently kissed, and I held him, his
head resting against my body.  We moved to the invisable record playing
inside us, slowly going around the room.  I broke for a moment, getting us
both drinks, and closing the curtain.  We lied down on the couch, watching
the Christmas tree sparkle.  He held me, not tight, but comforting.
        I turned over and faced him, and slowly pulled him toward me, kissing
him.  I put my hand on his chest, and he tensed.
        "What's wrong?"
        He paused.  "I'm not sure I'm ready for this."
        "I'm sorry."
        "No, it's all right, I just want to take this slowly."
        I nodded, understanding.  I kissed him again, and just took him in my
arms.  We fell asleep.

        Monday, December 26th, 1988.  When Christmas is on a Sunday like it
was this year, most places will give you Monday off.  It was the case this
year, where all of us worked.
        Aron and Justin were over, as mentioned.  Aron and Trevor were in the
living room talking back and forth, and I dragged Justin into the kitchen.
        "What?"
        "You have to confirm a suspicion.  When you and Aron got home
last night, you went right to bed, didn't you?"
        "What makes you think we made it to our house?"
        I looked at him with surprise.
        "I'm serious," he continued.  "We made it to the end of your block,
turned the corner, and stopped."
        "Gawd...no one saw you?"
        "If they did, they didn't care."
        I laughed, Justin did too, but quietly enough where we couldn't be
heard out of the room.

        I returned to the living room with Justin, and took a seat.
        "Know what we need to do?" Aron asked.  I shrugged.  "We need to have
another party."
        "What kind of party?" I asked.
        "What do you mean 'what kind'?  Like the ones we had in college!"
        "Those weren't parties, those were orgies.  Besides, we all settled
down, didn't we?"
        "We did?" he answered.
        Justin spoke.  "Why not?  We could hold it here or at our house."
        "Wait," I started.  "Are you considering the fact that you're going
to have other people interested in sex with you?"
        "I don't mind," Justin told me.
        "Doesn't that fall under the same catagory as 'wife swapping'?"
        "Do you feel threatened by that?" Aron asked.
        "No, don't you?"
        "I'm completely secure.  What's wrong with sharing our bodies with
another person, if you still love the person that you're with?"
        I was sitting there, trying to spell out morals to two horny lovers
here, and it just wasn't working.  "Look, if you're interested, with all due
respect, go for it.  I'd prefer to stick with one person."
        Trevor started, "I don't know, it might be kind of fun."
        I covered my eyes.  "I don't believe this.  I actually cannot believe
that you're about to do this.  I walked off, and they continued to talk.

        "So when do you think we could do this," Aron said.
        "How about New Year's Eve?" Justin suggested.
        "I'm going to be out of town then.  We'll have to make it afterwards."
        "When will you get back?"
        "January 7th."
        "Seventh is good for me," Justin confirmed.  "Trevor?"
        "Sounds fine," Trevor returned.
        "Nick?"
        I turned around.  "I'm not involved with this.  You do what you want."
        They got it all set up before Aron and Justin left.  They 
were going to hold it at their house.  They had already located Will and
Steve, both of whom they hadn't contacted in a while.  I was starting to
plan what to do on that evening, since Trevor would appearantly be gone.  It
was two weeks away, however,  so I didn't worry about it too much.

         January 1st, 1989.  With the holidays gone, things had slowed down
considerably.  We took the tree down...well, it started out as "we", and was
"I" in about 10 minutes...the rest of the holiday season was packed away and
stored.  I finally pinned down Trevor enough to talk to him.

        "What about?" he asked.
        "Tell me something, Trevor.  How come you're going to the party?"
        "It's not really a party," he defended.  "It's more of a get-
together."
        "Tell me that with a straight face."  He remained silent.  "I don't
get it.  You turned down a romantic evening, saying 'no, I'm not ready for
sex' and then turn around and prepare to go out and fuck the first person
you can land on the floor.  Explain that one..."
         "Nicolus, I think you're taking this the wrong way... I just..."
         "All right," I interrupted.  "Please tell me how I should take it." 
He remained silent still.  "You've never met any of these people before, and
you have absolutely no reservations about what you're setting yourself up
for.  And what makes it worse is you have absolutely no feelings for me."
         "That's not true...I care about you!"
         "Yeah, right..."  I turned and walked out of the room.


         Saturday, January 7th, 1989.  By the time the date rolled around, I
had calmed down a little.  I had to consider one important fact:  Although I
felt that Trevor and I were close, neither one of us had made any real
commitment, and had taken little action expressing how I felt.  I began to
consider the possibility that I had built the relationship up in my mind to
something completely over what it was.  If nothing else, it was a
possibility.
         Finally striking up the courage to at least stop by, I arrived at
Justin's house about 8.  The party had been going on for an hour already,
and I still hesitated to go up.  But Aron and Justin both had consistantly
tried to talk me into showing up, just to see people I hadn't seen in a
while, such as Willie and Steve, even if I wasn't interested in anything
else.  So I went up to the house.
         Justin greeted me at the door.  "Hey, Nick.  Come on in..." he
trailed.  Judging by his breath, he was a little drunk.  The one aspect of
Justin I don't think will ever change.
         I walked inside, and found everyone.  It was all pretty friendly,
and after a while, I decided that I was glad I had stopped in.  I talked
with Willie alone in the kitchen.
         "I haven't seen you in forever, what happened to you?" I asked him.
         "Moved up to Seattle.  Interesting country up there..."  He paused,
as if considering something.
         "What's wrong?" I asked.
         "Can I ask you something?"
         "Sure."
         He hesitated.  "Will you make love to me?"
         I just stopped still for a moment.  In college, that's all it took
to get a person into the bedroom.  I briefly thought about Trevor.  Is this
cheeting.  No, not if he's here to, and I'm sure he's done the same thing. 
Is this something I want to do...honestly... I think I'd love to.
         "Come on..." I said.  I took his hand, and led him into Aron's
room, and locked the door.
         "I didn't mean to be that straight forward, but this is something
that I never really got a chance to do... And if you don't want to..."
         I stopped him in the middle of the sentence, and kissed him.  He
reached around me, and I did the same.  It had been so long since I had done
this, it felt wonderful start again.  I pushed all the thoughts out of my
mind, about Trevor, about Tim, about everyone.
         Willie reached under my shirt, and felt my chest.  His hands were
firm and warm, and he began to massage the front of my body.  We were still
kissing, never stopping to take a breath.
         I removed his shirt, as he did the same to me, and felt his warmth
against me.  The remaining clothes came off, and he took me and spun me
around, falling to the bed.
         I held him tight against me, just to feel him, and make the moment
last.  I kissed him again, nibbling at his jaw, which I had remembered had
drove him crazy.  I watched him, feeling wonderful.  His blond hair,
penatrating eyes, and his round boyish face all seemed to sparkle.  He
kissed me.
         I moved his ankles around my waist, and positioned myself to
penetrate him.  In one gentle motion, I was inside of him.  I was moving
slowly, still kissing him, and letting my hands explore his body.  His chest
was hard, and I pulled him against me.  I worked my penis into him, slowly
moving to intensify the moment.
         He moved his hands to my back, down to my behind, and pulled me in
more, harder and faster.  My breathing was becoming irregular and faster,
his tounge going deeper into my mouth.  I was working hard to keep our
bodies together, trying to keep Will around me.
         It went from hard breathing to panting, with him still over my
mouth.  I continued faster still, reaching around to his back, and pulling
him as tight against me as possible.  His hard body fused with mine, with
heat searing between us.  The sexual excitement was beginning to peak.
         Willie began to groan as I pulsed inside him.  He was moving his
body in motion with mine.  The bed was shaking, and he was having a
difficult time keeping his legs around my body.  The sweat and excitement
seemed to push them away.
         The heat in the room seemed minute to the head radiating from us. 
Pushing harder and harder into him, swelling inside, sweating and panting. 
I let out a small cry, and felt myself orgasm inside his bowel.  I slowed
and stopped, leaving myself inside, and resting to regain a normal
heartbeat.  I was still sweating, and had to grab a sheet to wipe my
forehead.
         Will pressed his forehead against my chest, and held onto me
tightly.  He was breathing heavily too, and sweating as much as I was.  He
grabbed onto me, and felt my chest against his cheek.  I pulled him tight,
and held him.  It felt like I was taking care of him, and giving him support
when he needed it.
         I kissed the top of his head, and he moved to kiss me.  His tounge
went deep inside my mouth.  I felt bonded with him. I slipped my legs up on
his body, and he moved into the same position on me I had him in previously. 
With a gasp, I held him inside me.  We never stopped kissing.  His body was
soft as he continued, and I continually held him against me.  He pumped
slowly, always keeping a firm grip.  I was on my back, and he moved on top
of me.  I ran my hands along his back, all along he was holding onto my
shoulders.
         The movements became faster.  He placed his hands on my waist, and
speeded up his pace.  Sweat was pouring down him, his chest lushed and hard. 
My heart was beating hard.  Will once again picked the pace up, and it
wouldn't be too much longer.
         Breathing became an impossibility, as one final shudder came from
Willie's immense body, and he collapsed on top of me.  I was exhausted.  My
throat was dry and hurting from hard breathing.  I just lay in the bed for a
few moments, catching my breath.  We didn't say a word.  I climbed out, and
stood and looked at him.  He gave me a shy smile, and turned into the
pillow.  I dressed and walked through the door.

         Trevor was standing outside.  I stopped short.  He gave me a harsh
look, and walked off.  I looked at Justin, wondering what the problem was.
         "I think you just blew all the trust he had in you," Justin told
me.
         I walked outside, following him.
         "Would you like to start explaining the problem, please?!" I yelled
at him. He spun around on the driveway and yelled.
         "As I recall, you were the one who was bitching at me about fucking
the first person I could get down!  Did it ever occur to you that maybe this
was my chance to see how much you trusted me?!  Did it ever occur to you at
all that maybe I was in love with you, and just had to make sure?!"
         I stood silent, suddenly crushed.
         "You never got it, did you...  I set this up intentionally.  I
thought you cared about me.  You finally bothered to show up, and the first
thing you do is go in, acting like some goddamn male slut!"  He turned
around again, and got into the car, driving off.
         I just stood there, unable to move.  I was about ready to break
down.  I had just done the one thing I'd swore I'd never do:Cheat on a
person I loved.  I could barely stand myself.
         I got in my car, and drove back to my street.  Trevor was at the
house, presumably packing.  I didn't stop, I just continued down the street. 
I ended up driving down to one of the local bars in town.  It was a Gay bar,
but I didn't go there for a partner.  I just needed a drink.  Any bar would
have done, this one was just the closest.
         I walked in, and ordered.  I thought about what Trevor had said.  I
had to figure out a way out of this.  I was about to lose the best person
that I'd ever had.  I started thinking that maybe I just wasn't made to keep
one person very long.  I was depressed.
         "Can I talk to you for a minute, Nick?" a voice came from behind
me.  It wasn't Trevor, it wasn't his voice.  I turned around.  Tim was
staring me in the face.
         I stayed silent for a moment, not sure what to do.  Common sense,
however, at least said allow him to sit down.
         "Yeah, sure...have a seat," I said quietly.
         "You look a little depressed."
         "What are you doing here?" I asked, changing the subject.
         "I was going to call you in the next few days, but I saw you here,
and took my chance."
         "What about?" I asked.  I didn't look up from my drink.
         "You were right.  About me, what you said.  A person can't just
suddenly go straight.  I've been Gay since I was college age...I was stupid
to think that I could do anything else."
         "What are you getting at, Tim?"
         He paused.  "I love you, and I want you back."
         I stopped for a moment.  "Tim, listen to me.  You stay with me as
long as you did, you then tell me that it's never meant anything because you
aren't Gay, and leave me with nothing.  I never hear a word from you for
almost 6 months, at least, and now you expect me to pick up where 'you left
me', with severe emphasis on those last three words."  I was beginning to
remind myself of Trevor, using the same speech as he did.
         "Are you at least going to think about it?"
         I stayed silent.  Too much was happening at once.  I was going to
need some time.

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